Thursday, May 24, 2012
cross this off the list...
how could i forget? in the midst of all this feeling icky and trying not to snack last night, i found the time to cross something off the list. not sure how i feel about it, having been dark-haired all my life, but here we go:
I want to grow my hair and color it blonde.
day 3... or 4
i can't tell if it's the reduced caloric intake + increased physical activity or maybe even a flu bug, but i feel like sh*t the past 24 hours. all i'd really like is a lengthy nap. i've been nauseous and sort of weak. i have a check-in with the physician on Monday, so i guess we'll find out then.
in the meantime, the blog world has given me some projects... namely, calling my attention to the idea of turning my list of goals into a plan of action. when reviewing the life changes that i am trying to make, i find that many things have a sort of cause/effect relationship. when i sat down with my notebook, i found that the things requiring the most focus could essentially fall into a top 3:
1. weight loss - it impacts my energy levels, my social interactions... odds are... anyone reading this is well aware of the life imitations imposed by an excess couple hundred pounds.
2. financial progress - while being lucky enough to enjoy no actual debt, my income limits me in a multitude of ways. this can be aided with further education, etc... but this all sort of falls under #3 as well... and so...
3. time management - whether it comes to working out or having hobbies to feel my own enrichment, time for schooling or even time to log more hours working from home and using my savings account for actual saving... i have a schedule primarily determined by a toddler and a five-year-old. and while i love devoting time and energy, i find that i need to take a more authoritative role in my own scheduling.
i have created a sort of weekly schedule... trying to allot time for tasks, chores, etc. there are certain things that are always routing: baths before bed, things like that. but i am hoping that specifically assigning time to things like laundry, working out, reading with kids, and then sticking to this times, would likely benefit all of us.
SO, by continuing weight loss efforts and putting my new schedule into effect, i expect to see some improvements. i should have time to increase my hours on the job by about 50%, which will go along way with the finances. i also registered for fall classes at the local state university. i have the summer to work the new schedule and begin integrating school. i'm also hoping to lose a few pounds and feel a bit less self-conscious entering the classroom.
the best part is... when really taking a look and creating a design for my life and where i want it to be, rather than sinking in depression, i can see how things like hobbies and buying a car can happen in due time. i just have to accept my limitations while discovering my strengths. i can't fix the transmission tomorrow, but hopefully, in time... i'll be checking things off the list.
other bloggers and readers have already been a help and an inspiration. keeps me smiling.
in the meantime, the blog world has given me some projects... namely, calling my attention to the idea of turning my list of goals into a plan of action. when reviewing the life changes that i am trying to make, i find that many things have a sort of cause/effect relationship. when i sat down with my notebook, i found that the things requiring the most focus could essentially fall into a top 3:
1. weight loss - it impacts my energy levels, my social interactions... odds are... anyone reading this is well aware of the life imitations imposed by an excess couple hundred pounds.
2. financial progress - while being lucky enough to enjoy no actual debt, my income limits me in a multitude of ways. this can be aided with further education, etc... but this all sort of falls under #3 as well... and so...
3. time management - whether it comes to working out or having hobbies to feel my own enrichment, time for schooling or even time to log more hours working from home and using my savings account for actual saving... i have a schedule primarily determined by a toddler and a five-year-old. and while i love devoting time and energy, i find that i need to take a more authoritative role in my own scheduling.
i have created a sort of weekly schedule... trying to allot time for tasks, chores, etc. there are certain things that are always routing: baths before bed, things like that. but i am hoping that specifically assigning time to things like laundry, working out, reading with kids, and then sticking to this times, would likely benefit all of us.
SO, by continuing weight loss efforts and putting my new schedule into effect, i expect to see some improvements. i should have time to increase my hours on the job by about 50%, which will go along way with the finances. i also registered for fall classes at the local state university. i have the summer to work the new schedule and begin integrating school. i'm also hoping to lose a few pounds and feel a bit less self-conscious entering the classroom.
the best part is... when really taking a look and creating a design for my life and where i want it to be, rather than sinking in depression, i can see how things like hobbies and buying a car can happen in due time. i just have to accept my limitations while discovering my strengths. i can't fix the transmission tomorrow, but hopefully, in time... i'll be checking things off the list.
other bloggers and readers have already been a help and an inspiration. keeps me smiling.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
actual day 1
so... 800 calories isn't much. and the days final tallies come in right at 770 or so. i'm feeling tired and trying to decide whether it's the limited food intake or the fact that i have gone off soda, even diet. i've always gotten a lot of calories from beverages and it made sense to try to break that habit altogether. besides, it's not like my typical caloric intake was of energy-giving, nutrient-rich content.
night time is hard. i am certainly a night-snacker. when 7pm rolled around and i was already at my calorie goal, i found i was a bit lost. when 9pm showed up, i was a stranger in a strange land. i can imagine this will get harder before it gets easier. i'm finding it's a game of distraction. i always wish i read more, etc... so maybe this is how that will happen. i've given myself a mani-pedi and done some extra cleaning and laundry. the lack of crunchy treats actually seemed to make me anxious. that might be the wrong word... i guess it just made me restless. food has always been a comfort. it's going to be interesting finding alternatives.
especially difficult was when i decided to watch a movie i'd rented. (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close was phenomenal, even having read the book. I highly recommend it!) movie time was definitely a trigger, though. i even caught myself getting ready to walk to the fridge...
in other news, day 1 of Insanity is a fit test. the people in the video are showing their progress talking about how they went from 39 reps to 51. imagine my sense of inadequacy when i was worn beyond worn at 7 or 12. BUT it's not a pass/fail. it's a placement exam and now i know where i stand. little nervous about tomorrow's workout, though. some of those moves were intense.
night time is hard. i am certainly a night-snacker. when 7pm rolled around and i was already at my calorie goal, i found i was a bit lost. when 9pm showed up, i was a stranger in a strange land. i can imagine this will get harder before it gets easier. i'm finding it's a game of distraction. i always wish i read more, etc... so maybe this is how that will happen. i've given myself a mani-pedi and done some extra cleaning and laundry. the lack of crunchy treats actually seemed to make me anxious. that might be the wrong word... i guess it just made me restless. food has always been a comfort. it's going to be interesting finding alternatives.
especially difficult was when i decided to watch a movie i'd rented. (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close was phenomenal, even having read the book. I highly recommend it!) movie time was definitely a trigger, though. i even caught myself getting ready to walk to the fridge...
in other news, day 1 of Insanity is a fit test. the people in the video are showing their progress talking about how they went from 39 reps to 51. imagine my sense of inadequacy when i was worn beyond worn at 7 or 12. BUT it's not a pass/fail. it's a placement exam and now i know where i stand. little nervous about tomorrow's workout, though. some of those moves were intense.
Monday, May 21, 2012
the photographic reality...
i was sitting.
that lovely sort of side-angle shot that reminds you that your boobs should extend further in front than your belly. the realization that you must extend your neck like a turtle when applying make-up because surely, you would have noticed that double-chin. that awkward moment when you wonder if you have the opposite of body dysmorphic disorder... because i knew when i left the house that i weighed 342 pounds. i knew that i was wearing size 26 pants. i knew that i was fat. but i didn't realize i looked. like. that.
i want to say that i am not a fat hater. some of the most sexy, beautiful, vivacious women i've known have been over the 250 mark and there is something undeniably attractive to me about a big man... but i'm just not one of those people. i've been told i carry it well, which is to say, i'm proportionate, which is to say, i am very fat ALL OVER. carrying fat all over sounds like a stroke of luck until i think about the loose skin i should be anticipating if this whole thing goes according to plan.
i never forget that i am fat, but i occasionally ignore it. i cling to the "pretty face" compliments and have taken deceptive photos of myself since the advent of myspace.
goal for 2012:
a facebook full body shot that i don't mind my high school friends seeing.
that lovely sort of side-angle shot that reminds you that your boobs should extend further in front than your belly. the realization that you must extend your neck like a turtle when applying make-up because surely, you would have noticed that double-chin. that awkward moment when you wonder if you have the opposite of body dysmorphic disorder... because i knew when i left the house that i weighed 342 pounds. i knew that i was wearing size 26 pants. i knew that i was fat. but i didn't realize i looked. like. that.
i want to say that i am not a fat hater. some of the most sexy, beautiful, vivacious women i've known have been over the 250 mark and there is something undeniably attractive to me about a big man... but i'm just not one of those people. i've been told i carry it well, which is to say, i'm proportionate, which is to say, i am very fat ALL OVER. carrying fat all over sounds like a stroke of luck until i think about the loose skin i should be anticipating if this whole thing goes according to plan.
i never forget that i am fat, but i occasionally ignore it. i cling to the "pretty face" compliments and have taken deceptive photos of myself since the advent of myspace.
goal for 2012:
a facebook full body shot that i don't mind my high school friends seeing.
goodbye, old mimi
so... this weekend i binged. not in an obscene trip to the grocery store sort of way, but more in a this-is-the-last-time-i'll-be-having-buffalo-pretzel-crisps for a while sort of way. i enjoyed no less than 6 cans of cherry cola. i didn't sip an ounce of water. (i hate water. hopefully, this will be changing soon out of desperation.) i'm even thinking of having a bowl of butter pecan ice cream before bed. i wish i could just completely empty out the old cabinets, but sadly, i am not in the income bracket that wastes already-bought foods. furthermore, i am ok with allowing my children to have their natural relationship with food. they like ice cream like they like strawberries, and while one is obviously healthier than the other... i don't want my children to covet junk. i think of all the foods that were forbidden during my childhood, usually due to budget and not nutrition. i remember how, in my household, a day without cooking was a treat and that meant buckets of chicken or bags of greasy big boy burgers or sheet pizzas. those foods became a) associated with reward/treat and b) forbidden "fruit"... i remember my first job babysitting and how all those dollars earned toiling through tantrums and diapers and arguments about bedtime would dwindle away in front of the candy rack at the local convenience store. my relationship with food is co-dependent and toxic and completely illogical.
any fat woman (and probably man) can tell you that no one knows as much as we do about nutrition. not because we're passionate about what's best for our bodies (clearly) and not because we're fascinated by the breaking down of complex carbohydrates. fat people know fat and calories and energy preservation and high-protein and low-glycemic-index like they are our own children. everyone likes an easy fix and we have read about them all... we have researched them... in my case, we have pondered and even prepared for them. we have drank cayenne lemon maple juice and in desperate cases, we have purged. many of us have crash dieted successfully, losing tens or even hundreds of pounds and anticipating that how great we feel will surely sustain us through this next bout of deprivation, only to find the scale betraying the truth that weeks later, we are worse off than we began. i have counted points. i have dealed meals. i have choked down plastic concoctions that claimed they would taste like the real thing. i have tofu'd and turkey-baconed by little heart out. but in the end, i don't work out. i lack the will or the ability to break myself of emotional eating. and frankly, i'm done.
this is where dear readers might find my thought process controversial. after all the dieting "tricks", each of us knows that losing weight comes down to 2 very basic changes. eat less, move more. and after a consultation today with a very kind clinician, i am preparing to do both... in a way that even i can't pretend is anything less than severe. The details exist but the beginning, the lighter fluid to get going, if you will, is this:
EAT NO MORE THAN 800 CALORIES PER DAY
WORK OUT NO LESS THAN 60 MINUTES PER DAY, NO FEWER THAN 6 DAYS PER WEEK
i hate it for sounding so simple. i really do. the nutritionist was a doll. i was educated on the danger of low-calorie plans (although in my case, such change on a temporary basis is indeed less risky than walking around putting 200 lbs of additional stress on my organs). then came the complicated part... the part where i was handed an 800-calorie-per-day menu to follow.
i have to preface this part by saying, i am so far below the poverty line, i can't even see it. i make do. my children are well fed, cleanly dressed, and happy. they have grown up with dish-soap bubbles and craigslist bicycles and parks instead of chuck e cheese. and they smile and laugh and love life. i have a television and a computer and a netflix membership and amazing friends who, when i got divorced, didn't mind the transition from brunch and ladies night at the bar to homemade dinners and cheap cocktails while sitting in my bed watching Grey's Anatomy. (i don't have a bedroom of my own, so the main living space in my apartment looks like a decent-sized studio sans couch.) all of this being said... i took my new handy menu to the grocery store and began to price-check. i wandered the store with a notebook and my list and here is the sad truth... i can not afford a $7 loaf of bread. i can not afford an acai berry blend. i can not afford a vitamixer. i can not afford fresh leeks and brie and stilton cheese and fresh halibut. i do not know what swiss chard is. and try as i might, i can not find ways to make reasonable substitutions. if i don't buy the pricey egg substitute and tofu bacon, the multi-grain english muffins are rendered pointless. not pointless in the sense that they wouldn't be an improvement... but the bottom line is, bad food is cheaper. anyone who has ever purchased a $1 double cheeseburger or a $5 large pizza can tell you that. so even though i can feed my children chicken and broccoli with cheese on my budget, i can NOT feed myself according to the nutritionist's plan. (amusing note: this list is specifically for people with a 'more limited budget').
so... i'm cheating. already. 800 calories is 800 calories and i know what the basic food groups are. i know that fiber makes you feel fuller. i know that i need energy for my new workout routine. but i can not afford my menu and i can not afford variety. so in my refrigerator, you will now find:
7 Naked Juice smoothies
7 Lean Cuisine box meals
1 package chicken breast tenderloins
lettuce
2 tomatoes
carrots
multi-grain tortillas
that's it. well, that's it as far as things i can actually eat.
and to round off the plan, i purchased a used edition of Beach Body Insanity. a workout video program certainly more aimed at improving the physique of an already sort of fit person, and certainly not a 300+ pound waddler.
so it begins...
critics can comment on preservatives and the sense of deprivation that will undoubtedly send me running to the nearest bag of potato chips, but one thing is certain... i have never been this desperate. and all that business about losing and gaining back and how i can't possibly sustain this forever? i know all of that. of course i know. but why don't we talk about maintenance when there isn't a 3 on the front of the scale? desperate times. desperate measures. wish me luck.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
The Carrot: A Better Life
I want to weight 175.
I want to earn a degree.
I want to be the amazing parent that my children deserve.
I want to develop independence in the wake of a very unhealthy marriage, while succeeding in a poorly timed relationship.
I want to see a doctor. A head doctor.
I want a better paying job.
I want $5,000 in the bank.
I want to move back across 5 states to the one that I call home.
I want a car that I can rely on.
I want skinny jeans.
I want hobbies.
I want a box of healthy recipes that my kids like.
I want tattoos.
I want a home where my children can have their own rooms and I can, too. (the living room is NOT cutting it!)
I want to learn to sew.
I want to sleep at night.
I want to figure out how to make fitness a part of my routing.
I want to un-give up on myself.
I want to quit smoking.
I want a better relationship with the family I left behind.
I want to read amazing books and take my children to beautiful concerts and art museums.
I want cute panties.
I want to grow my hair and color it blonde.
I want to buy all my accessories on Etsy,
I want my children to be proud when they introduce me to their teachers.
I want to spoil them a little.
I want to drink water like I love it.
I want to run.
I want to be able to fix things and open jars on my own.
High heels.
I want a structured schedule at my house.
I want to accept that my ex isn't going to help with the children and stop hoping that he does.
I want to dance, even if there are people around.
I want to wear a bathing suit without a t-shirt.
I want to go on a trip with just the kids.
I want beautiful love and a happy home.
I want to be the kindest person you ever met.
I want to earn a degree.
I want to be the amazing parent that my children deserve.
I want to develop independence in the wake of a very unhealthy marriage, while succeeding in a poorly timed relationship.
I want to see a doctor. A head doctor.
I want a better paying job.
I want $5,000 in the bank.
I want to move back across 5 states to the one that I call home.
I want a car that I can rely on.
I want skinny jeans.
I want hobbies.
I want a box of healthy recipes that my kids like.
I want tattoos.
I want a home where my children can have their own rooms and I can, too. (the living room is NOT cutting it!)
I want to learn to sew.
I want to sleep at night.
I want to figure out how to make fitness a part of my routing.
I want to un-give up on myself.
I want to quit smoking.
I want a better relationship with the family I left behind.
I want to read amazing books and take my children to beautiful concerts and art museums.
I want cute panties.
I want to grow my hair and color it blonde.
I want to buy all my accessories on Etsy,
I want my children to be proud when they introduce me to their teachers.
I want to spoil them a little.
I want to drink water like I love it.
I want to run.
I want to be able to fix things and open jars on my own.
High heels.
I want a structured schedule at my house.
I want to accept that my ex isn't going to help with the children and stop hoping that he does.
I want to dance, even if there are people around.
I want to wear a bathing suit without a t-shirt.
I want to go on a trip with just the kids.
I want beautiful love and a happy home.
I want to be the kindest person you ever met.
Opening Inventory
4am is as good a time as any for introspection and revelation. on my 5th consecutive session of late/early pondering, a sort of nauseous feeling appeared and it became time for action.
actual.
action.
i'm certain that i am one of probably a million new bloggers, making big promises to myself and to anonymous readers who may or may not actually materialize. i can't even promise that i'll be any different. this isn't the first "i'm going to change my life starting now (or in the morning or on Monday or on the 1st of the month/year/decade) moments that i've had. in fact, i'm one of those people who is constantly visualizing a vastly different future whilst doing terribly little to achieve it.
so here we are... hoping that somewhere in me is a real live start.
i'm sure that background and humor and cute anecdotes will arrive eventually. i am, for the moment, a virginal and incompetent blogger with little to offer other than a (not)healthy dose of discomfort about who i am and where i fit...
And so... the inventory.
Years: 25.8
Marriages: 1
Divorces: 1
New Relationships: .75 (especially when factoring in long distance... not an online meeting... we'll get to it one day)
Children: 2
Basement Apartment: 1
Credit Score: 567
Hourly Pay: $10.50
Vehicles with Questionable Transmissions: 1
Dollars in Bank Account: $3.96
Formal Education: 0
Hours Spent Developing Hobbies and Self Interest: 0
Height: 5'9"
Weight: 342 lbs.
Energy Level: 3
Desired Energy Level: 1000
<In this place, I had written a lengthy explanation of my weight and all it impacts and my feelings about better jobs and a more secure and delightful foundation for my children, but... the beauty of a blog without readers is: i don't need to explain or justify or rationalize. Sure, that day might come and I may or may not oblige. But for now, the truth is clear: A CHANGE IS GONNA COME. And whether that change is a downward spiral or me actually living my life, time will tell....
Wish me luck?
LUCK.
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