i was sitting.
that lovely sort of side-angle shot that reminds you that your boobs should extend further in front than your belly. the realization that you must extend your neck like a turtle when applying make-up because surely, you would have noticed that double-chin. that awkward moment when you wonder if you have the opposite of body dysmorphic disorder... because i knew when i left the house that i weighed 342 pounds. i knew that i was wearing size 26 pants. i knew that i was fat. but i didn't realize i looked. like. that.
i want to say that i am not a fat hater. some of the most sexy, beautiful, vivacious women i've known have been over the 250 mark and there is something undeniably attractive to me about a big man... but i'm just not one of those people. i've been told i carry it well, which is to say, i'm proportionate, which is to say, i am very fat ALL OVER. carrying fat all over sounds like a stroke of luck until i think about the loose skin i should be anticipating if this whole thing goes according to plan.
i never forget that i am fat, but i occasionally ignore it. i cling to the "pretty face" compliments and have taken deceptive photos of myself since the advent of myspace.
goal for 2012:
a facebook full body shot that i don't mind my high school friends seeing.
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